A beautiful French woman who is a high-ranking government official once told me, “I find American men unappealing because they always talk to me as though I were just another man.”

I suspect it’s not just French women who feel this way.  But being bi-cultural, French and American, I knew exactly what she was talking about.  What in France would be welcome as a gallant compliment might in America be construed as evidence of a “hostile environment.”  Like many other bi-culturals, I’m split in on how to behave around women.  My French side; my American side…which one should I be using? 

And I would argue that most Americans, particularly college-educated Anglos, feel a similar split between their gender archetypes and what’s considered “correct” behavior. 

I call this split Schizogendria, from the Greek word for split (schizo) and gender, the irreducible core of our sexual identity.

Schizogendria: the contradiction men and women are experiencing between “should” and “feel” in their gender roles; the growing conviction that each party to the changing drama is losing something valuable.

Millennial women have a degree of freedom and opportunity undreamed of by their grandmothers.  

But, at the same time, they are shown far less courtesy and respect than were their grandmothers.  Their daughters will be pressured to be sexualized by our culture at an age that their grandmothers would have found criminal.  

College-educated Millennial women now live under a social obligation to pursue an ambitious career.  They must either defer having children which then becomes more medically iffy with each passing year or have a child or two now and juggle being Mom with professional life.  Today’s Millennial women are far more stressed by multi-tasking than their grandmothers.  

Despite the advances in preventative medicine and the lower incidence of smoking, they are more likely than their grandmothers to be diagnosed with breast cancer—perhaps due, some experts believe, to the hormonal effects of putting off having children until their biological clock’s eleventh hour.

So with these challenges to their dignity and well being, they can turn to the men in their lives for all the support they need, right?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Look at Euro RSCG’s latest study of Millennials and Gender. While one in two of Millennial women agree that “men should be the ones to lead and initiate in romance,” only 33% of males agreed with the same statement.  Seth Rogan’s likable but fumbling character in Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up is emblematic of many of these males: a good guy who is capable of manning up but needs a precipitating crisis in order to do so.  Are these men at least more willing in today’s more egalitarian society to share in household tasks?  Every survey on the subject comes to the same conclusion: in theory yes, in practice no.

Nearly 40% of all children born in America today are out of wedlock.  The percentage climbs as we go down the socioeconomic ladder and it’s quite possible that getting married will become a nicety of the affluent, much as it has already become in European countries.  This is a massive sea change and one that sociologists says doesn’t bode well for the emotional security of men, women and their children.  Talk to those who are cohabiting rather than getting married and they’ll readily supply you with yet another disquieting statistic: 40% of all marriages today are projected to end in divorce.

Millennial men don’t have it easy either.  

Not only is their primordial role as provider and father now a mere social elective, they are falling well behind women in completing college.  The majority of job losses since 2008 have been among males, particularly in the blue-collar communities, prompting Atlantic Monthly to coin a new expression: Mancession.  Joblessness in blue-collar communities is now approaching 15%.  Were that a national statistic, we would be at the same level as the Great Depression.

White collar males wonder: am I going to be able to earn what my Dad did?  Blue collar males wonder: will I be able to just stay employed as my Dad did?

Anthropologist Lionel Tiger wrote about a new hostility in America’s schools to boyish behavior—bouncy, roving and boisterous—as manifest in the growing propensity to medically treat it as ADHD.  1 in 10 boys in America today are being given powerful ADHD medication.

In the background of all of this, sperm counts among men are plummeting.  No one knows why.  Environmental toxins?  Lifestyle choices?  What could it be?  Whatever the cause, the symbolism of depleted masculinity endures.

It’s common in talking about Millennials to evoke how “coddled” they were by their Boomer parents and how “entitled” they feel but the fact is that Millennials are facing pressures far greater than their parents knew.  And in the realm of their sexual identity, the challenges are massive.

So what’s a brand to do?

Don’t be patronizing

Women and men alike are tired of ads and TV shows that slam guys and fawn over women.  Euro RSCG’s Rose Cameron makes this point extremely well:  “Judging from the content of TV commercials and sitcoms, men are a sorry lot.  It’s a wonder they’re able to brush their teeth without the supervision and assistance of their far-more-capable wives.  While the bumbling, skill-deficient guy may be good for a laugh, young people want to see demonstrations of male strength and responsibility.”

Don’t tell yourself you’re “edgy” when you’re just exploitive

Calvin Klein caused a public outcry in the 90s with ads that looked like amateur teen porn shot in some creep’s basement.  It’s disheartening that the founder of American Apparel, Dov Charney, would pick up the same style of photography and feature his own employees in the campaign.  Ironically, American Apparel positions itself as “sweatshop-free” even while it runs ads that are clearly exploitive.  It gets attention but the brand will eventually have to pay for this loss of credibility.

Give men a means to assert their masculinity—but keep it light.

The Iron John “men’s movement” died abruptly back in the 90’s in large part I believe because it was so easily satirized.  Men hate to confront issues head on, hearts bared.  Some irony, please.  Dos Equis’s Most Interesting Man in the World and Isaiah Mustafa for Old Spice hit the spot.  There’s room for many more fantasy personae with a humorous touch.

Don’t be afraid of primordial femininity.

Victoria’s Secret and Agent Provocateur do not try to score any points for political correctness and they’re doing just fine, thank you.  

But what about motherhood itself?  How often is the cleverness of ad agencies deployed against this cultural bulwark?  Not very often at all.  When it’s well done, it’s remarkable.  Proctor & Gamble asked at the last Olympics, “Is there anything better than being an Olympic athlete?” and answered, “Actually, there is.  Being an Olympic Athlete’s Mom.”  They sent film crews to capture the Moms cheering their children at the Olympics every day and the Mom moments actually became part of being there for us who were watching at home.  The spots were topical, fresh and hit home with the most touching message that has ever existed, a Mother’s love makes all achievements possible.  So many advertisers would be afraid of being called old-fashioned, lame or schmaltzy, that this this hugely powerful emotional space goes neglected.  In swoops P&G to collect the prize: a wrap up of all their power brands, and the tag: “Proud sponsor of Moms.”